24 - Uncertainty

"So, one last think I forgot to ask you..."

The voice on the other end of the phone is one that I have grown to like. Nice guy. Nice guy who ultimately will decide what I do professionally for the next 2+ years.

"What is your long term plan? what are you going to do over the next 5, 10, 20 years?"

What am I going to be doing in 5 years? I have my ideas. I expect I will be somewhere in the middle of a masters program with a kid or two. I expect I will be deciding whether I want to stay with this company for the rest of my life or if I should move on. That all of course hinges on whether or not I will get into my program. It depends on whether or not I have done all that I need to in preparation for the portfolio review. It depends on if I really like the major as much as I think I do. It depends.

The uncertainty of not knowing is driving me insane...and I think I am grateful for it.

What is the alternative? I know everything. I see where I am 5, 10, 20 years from now...and then what? I wait, I watch, I am bored. There is a word in Japanese: Manzoku (Mahn-zoe-koo) and it means to be satisfied. My coworker on my mission in Japan always told me not to manzoku. Do not be satisfied with what we have. Always reach for more. I learned the word in a negative context. Manzoku is something that I should not do. I heard it the other day in a good way. I am satisfied. I have enough. My mind was blown. How could the same word be so different in two different situations? I am still puzzling over it. Right now I should be Manzoku. I should Manzoku with what I have, what I know, what God has allotted me. However, if I were to glimpse the future...the Manzoku would turn to something I do not want. I would know what would happen. I would be satisfied with being mediocre because I knew what I would achieve. I am grateful that I am uncertain about the future. It keeps me working for something more. I am satisfied with where I am at. I am satisfied with how much I know and how this journey is progressing. I am so much more grateful that I have uncertainty to keep me working and not letting me be satisfied with mediocrity.