43 - Change

Head down, hands full. I shuffle over the damp asphalt dodging the puddles and glancing back and forth for cars that might drive too close to the sidewalk. I tuck my portfolio a little tighter under my arm and shuffle faster. The contents of the case feels more precious to me than almost anything else at this moment. I get lost in thought as I imagine another student with head down bumping into me, sending the precious pages of my portfolio into the rainwater surrounding me. finally arriving at the car I heave a deep sigh and sit. I want to stay here. I want to sit and listen to the rain play a gentle melody on my windshield as I drift off to sleep. In my rearview mirror I can see a car idling, waiting for my parking spot. I sigh. There seems to be no rest. It is just as well though, I have to get to work anyways. Work drags on. I want to be present, involved, and energetic...but sometimes I feel as though I am just putting on the face, while inside all I want to do is sit alone for a moment. I wonder where these feelings come from. Perhaps a lack of sleep has gotten me to a state of some kind of mild delirium. I sigh as the clock ticks away. It is only 7:00 and I feel as though I will collapse at any moment. There are still things to be done. Clothes to fold, boxes to unpack, and Dracula is sitting next to me, the bookmark in the middle of a chapter. Sigh. I am grateful for the hope that tomorrow might be different. I am grateful for the chance I have to maybe look at something outside myself; to change my attitude, adjust my paradigm, and see the world in a new light. Maybe tomorrow will be different.